The Importance of Being Earnest

by Oscar Wilde

Second Act

Seventh Part

Scene. Garden at the Manor House. A flight of grey stone steps leads up to
the house. The garden, an old-fashioned one, full of roses. Time of year,
July. Basket chairs, and a table covered with books, are set under a large
yew tree. Cecily and Gwendolen are arguing as Jack enters the garden.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Enter Jack.)

Gwendolen. (Catching sight of him.) Ernest! My own Ernest!

Jack. Gwendolen! Darling! (Offers to kiss her.)

Gwendolen. (Drawing back.) A moment! May I ask if you are engaged to be
married to this young lady? (Points to Cecily.)

Jack. To dear little Cecily! Of course not! What could have put such an
idea into your pretty little head?

Gwendolen. Thank you. You may! (Offers her cheek.)

Cecily. (Very sweetly.) I knew there must be some misunderstanding, Miss
Fairfax. The gentleman whose arm is at present round your waist is my dear
guardian, Mr. John Worthing.

Gwendolen. I beg your pardon?

Cecily. This is Uncle Jack.

Gwendolen. (Receding.) Jack! Oh!

(Enter Algernon.)

Cecily. Here is Ernest.

Algernon. (Goes straight over to Cecily without noticing anyone else.) My
own love! (Offers to kiss her.)

Cecily. (Drawing back.) A moment, Ernest! May I ask you--are you engaged to
be married to this young lady?

Algernon. (Looking round.) To what young lady? Good heavens! Gwendolen!

Cecily. Yes! to good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen.

Algernon. (Laughing.) Of course not! What could have put such an idea into
your pretty little head.

Cecily. Thank you. (Presenting her cheek to be kissed.) You may. (Algernon
kisses her.)

Gwendolen. I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew. The gentleman
who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr. Algernon Moncrieff.

Cecily. (Breaking away from Algernon.) Algernon Moncrieff! Oh! (The two
girls move towards each other and put their arms round each other's waists
as if for protection.)

Cecily. Are you called Algernon?

Algernon. I cannot deny it.

Cecily. Oh!

Gwendolen. Is your name really John?

Jack. (Standing rather proudly.) I could deny it if I liked. I could deny
anything if I liked. But my name certainly is John. It has been John for
years.

Cecily. (To Gwendolen.) A gross deception has been practised on both of us.

Gwendolen. My poor wounded Cecily!

Cecily. My sweet wronged Gwendolen!

Gwendolen. (Slowly and seriously.) You will call me sister, will you not?
(They embrace. Jack and Algernon groan and walk up and down.)

Cecily. (Rather brightly.) There is just one question I would like to be
allowed to ask my guardian.

Gwendolen. An admirable idea! Mr. Worthing, there is just one question I
would like to be permitted to put to you. Where is your brother Ernest? We
are both engaged to be married to your brother Ernest, so it is a matter of
some importance to us to know where your brother Ernest is at present.

Jack. (Slowly and hesitatingly.) Gwendolen--Cecily--it is very painful for
me to be forced to speak the truth. It is the first time in my life that I
have ever been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite
inexperienced in doing anything of the kind. However I will tell you quite
frankly that I have no brother Ernest. I have no brother at all. I never
had a brother in my life, and I certainly have not the smallest intention
of ever having one in the future.

Cecily. (Surprised.) No brother at all?

Jack. (Cheerily.) None!

Gwendolen. (Severely.) Had you never a brother of any kind?

Jack. (Pleasantly.) Never. Not even of any kind.

Gwendolen. I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that neither of us is
engaged to be married to anyone.

Cecily. It is not a very pleasant position for a young girl suddenly to
find herself in. Is it?

Gwendolen. Let us go into the house. They will hardly venture to come after
us there.

Cecily. No, men are so cowardly, aren't they?

(They retire into the house with scornful looks.)

Jack. This ghastly state of things is what you call Bunburying, I suppose?

Algernon. Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is. The most wonderful
Bunbury I have ever had in my life.

Jack. Well, you've no right whatsoever to Bunbury here.

Algernon. That is absurd. One has a right to Bunbury anywhere one chooses.
Every serious Bunburyist knows that.

Jack. Serious Bunburyist! Good heavens!

Algernon. Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants to have
any amusement in life. I happen to be serious about Bunburying. What on
earth you are serious about I haven't got the remotest idea. About
everything, I should fancy. You have such an absolutely trivial nature.

Jack. Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the whole of this
wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quite exploded. You won't
be able to run down to the country quite so often as you used to do, dear
Algy. And a very good thing too.

Algernon. Your brother is a little off colour, isn't he, dear Jack? You
won't be able to disappear to London quite so frequently as your wicked
custom was. And not a bad thing either.

Jack. As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say that your taking
in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is quite inexcusable. To say
nothing of the fact that she is my ward.

Algernon. I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a
brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like Miss Fairfax. To
say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin.

Jack. I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. I love her.

Algernon. Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. I adore her.

Jack. There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew.

Algernon. I don't think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and Miss
Fairfax being united.

Jack. Well, that is no business of yours.

Algernon. If it was my business, I wouldn't talk about it. (Begins to eat
muffins.) It is very vulgar to talk about one's business. Only people like
stockbrokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

Jack. How you can sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this
horrible trouble, I can't make out. You seem to me to be perfectly
heartless.

Algernon. Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would
probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is
the only way to eat them.

Jack. I say it's perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the
circumstances.

Algernon. When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me.
Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as anyone who knows me
intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the
present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am
particularly fond of muffins. (Rising.)

Jack. (Rising.) Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that
greedy way. (Takes muffins from Algernon.)

Algernon. (Offering tea-cake.) I wish you would have tea-cake instead. I
don't like tea-cake.

Jack. Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own
garden.

Algernon. But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins.

Jack. I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances.
That is a very different thing.

Algernon. That may be. But the muffins are the same. (He seizes the
muffin-dish from Jack.)

Jack. Algy, I wish to goodness you would go.

Algeron. You can't possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It's
absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians
and people like that. Besides I have just made arrangements with Dr.
Chasuble to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest.

Jack. My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the better. I
made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble to be christened myself at
5:30, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish
it. We can't both be christened Ernest. It's absurd. Besides, I have a
perfect right to be christened if I like. There is no evidence at all that
I ever have been christened by anybody. I should think it extremely
probable that I never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble. It is entirely
different in your case. You have been christened already.

Algernon. Yes, but I have not been christened for years.

Jack. Yes, but you have been christened. That is the important thing.

Algernon. Quite so. So I know my constitution can stand it. If you are not
quite sure about your ever having been christened, I must say I think it
rather dangerous your venturing on it now. It might make you very unwell.
You can hardly have forgotten that someone very closely connected with you
was very nearly carried off this week in Paris by a severe chill.

Jack. Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill was not hereditary.

Algernon. It usen't to be, I know--but I daresay it is now. Science is
always making wonderful improvements in things.

Jack. (Picking up the muffin-dish.) Oh, that is nonsense; you are always
talking nonsense.

Algernon. Jack, you are at the muffins again! I wish you wouldn't. There
are only two left. (Takes them.) I told you I was particularly fond of
muffins.

Jack. But I hate tea-cake.

Algernon. Why on earth then do you allow tea-cake to be served up for your
guests? What ideas you have of hospitality!

Jack. Algernon! I have already told you to go. I don't want you here. Why
don't you go!

Algernon. I haven't quite finished my tea yet! and there is still one
muffin left. (Jack groans, and sinks into a chair, Algernon still continues
eating.)

Act-Drop.

   * Next: Act III, Part I

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Scenes of the Play

   * Act I: Algernon Moncrieff's Flat in Half-Moon Street, W.
   * Act II: The Garden at the Manor House, Woolton.
        o Part 1
        o Part 2
        o Part 3
        o Part 4
        o Part 5
        o Part 6
   * Act III: Drawing-Room at the Manor House, Woolton

Transcription and organization by Jerry Stratton, for FireBlade
Publications. If you have any comments or questions, please let us know!
Jerry
jerry@acusd.edu
